The Pickleball Craze: A New Epidemic, PBC-1, Sweeps the Nation

The Pickleball Craze: A New Epidemic, PBC-1, Sweeps the Nation

An insidious disease has steadily and silently emerged from the shadows of society. “Pickleball Craze”, also known as PBC-1, is a newly coined illness that has absolutely confounded the scientific and medical community. This peculiar affliction manifests as a pathological obsession with pickleball; the baffling lovechild of tennis, badminton, and, perhaps, an unfortunate encounter with a cucumber.

 

The statistics are staggering. According to the Sports & Fitness Industry Association (SFIA), cases of PBC-1 have skyrocketed by a mind-boggling 159% between 2020 and 2023, making it the fastest growing “sport” (the term loosely used) for the last three years. Already 8.9 million people of the American population have been compromised, 52% of those infected being the elderly demographic. PBC-1 has managed to infect the hearts and minds of millions, particularly those who seem to have lost their faculties along with their hair. 

 

But what exactly is PBC-1, and how does it manifest itself in its unfortunate victims? Symptoms include:

  • Collective Indoctrination - a sudden and inexplicable fixation on Pickleball. Severely contagious, infects anyone in the vicinity with a feverish desire to convert every available space into a pickleball court.
  • Effects on Speech and language - a compulsive tendency to utter phrases like "Dink shot" and "Nasty Nelson" with alarming frequency.
  • Sudden Lack of Taste - acute affinity for only neon-colored clothing and attraction to clunky paddles and plastic balls.
  • Difficulty with Impulse Control - infected individuals will exhibit an unhinged compulsion to procure pickleball merchandise upon encountering it or learning of its existence.
  • Self-aggrandizing Aggression - a false, grandiose sense of self-importance in their athleticism in pickleball which results in condescension towards those they perceive as lesser competitors and irrational defensiveness at the mildest criticism of pickleball. 

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    If you recognize these symptoms in loved ones and friends, experts recommend avoiding pickleball courts at all costs and maintaining a safe distance from anyone exhibiting symptoms of PBC-1. While there is currently no known cure for PBC-1, with vigilance and a healthy dose of skepticism, we may yet contain the spread of this inexplicable phenomenon.

    Further studies are currently being conducted to discover more indicators of this adverse disease. The CCD could not be reached for comment.

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